There are two ways to restrain anger.
The First: Internal Cooling
The first method is controlling the origins and causes of anger. This is done by restricting its causes to certain limited aspects. It involves eliminating many of its causes. We call this process “internal cooling”.
Once one knows that anger often results from pride, haughtiness, and contempt for the people, he can start to rid himself of these demerits. This knowledge comes from a Hadith. "The disciples said to Jesus the son of Mary (a.s.): ‘O teacher of the good! Teach us what the severest thing is.’ He said: ‘The severest thing is the wrath of Allah.’ They said: ‘Then what prevents the wrath of Allah?’ He said: ‘That you not be wrathful.’ They said: ‘What is the source of wrath?’ He said: ‘Pride, haughtiness and contempt for the people.’" (Imam Ja'afar As-Sadiq (a.s.)). He can consequently turn into a modest and calm person. He will respect others and feel that the rights they owe him do not exceed the favors he makes for them. Moreover, he would understand their difficult circumstances. He would see what drives them to act offensively or make mistakes. Thus, through this peaceful spirit, he could find excuses for them. This makes him accept difficult situations with a serene spirit.
Reaching this state requires huge efforts. It involves intellectual and spiritual orientation going hand in hand with practical training and strong free will. This is what Islam seeks to build in the Muslim’s personality. The Imams of Ahl El-Beit (a.s.) provided live examples of how a true believer ought to act.
It is narrated that Imam As-Sadiq (a.s.) said that the believer: "should maintain his dignity when calamities befall him, he should be patient when he is in trouble, he should be grateful when he has plenty of blessings, he should be content with his share of God-given daily bread, he should not oppress his enemies, he should not be a burden on his friends, he should use his body (to perform his duties) and people should be safe from him. Knowledge is the friend of a believer, forbearance is his minister, wisdom is the commander of his army, politeness is his brother and virtue is his father."
We deduce from this Hadith the significant features of a true Islamic personality. Islam wants every believer to embody this. It requires a long process that builds a solid, strong personality. This personality does not fall for impulsivity.
Various religious texts demonstrate the demerits of haughtiness. They show its repercussions on the life of the individual and the society. Then, they compare this with the image of modesty. They show its good results on people’s life. They encourage man to engage in a long training process. This process employs various methods until modesty marks his very nature. He would then respect others, considering their private and public circumstances.
We notice calls for this methodology in several Hadiths. They call for forbearance and seek it by exhibiting its great positive results. Forbearance means: "the tranquility of the soul in a way that it would not be easily angered or instantly agitated, for it is the real opposite of anger that prevents its outbreak."
Forbearance might be a serene psychological state. It enables one to face the elements of anger calmly. It might also be serene practical training. This enables man to face anger after it breaks out.
Islam called for both methods. It demanded man to train himself to acquire forbearance if it is not part of his nature.
In Nahjul-Balaghah, Imam Ali (a.s.) says: "If you are not forbearing, act as if you are, because it is rare that somebody endeavors to resemble a group of people, without becoming almost one of them." It is also narrated that the Prophet (p.) said: "A person can reach the level of a person who prays all night and fasts all day by his forbearance," and: "Whoever has forbearance, Allah will never disgrace him." It is also narrated that Imam Ali Bin Al-Hussein (a.s.) said: "I like the man whose forbearance controls his anger." Moreover, Imam Ali (a.s.) says: "The first remuneration that one can gain for showing clemency (forbearance) is having the people as his supporters against the ignorant."
Perhaps one of the shortest methods to reach "internal cooling" is to ponder over any situation. One should look into its causes and results. He would then react calmly and consciously. Most causes of anger come from understanding a situation hastily from one aspect. It is narrated that a man once came to the Prophet (p.) and said: "Offer recommendations to me, O messenger of Allah!" The Prophet (p.) said to him: "Will you follow my recommendations?" He repeated that three times. The man said: "Yes I will, O messenger of Allah." So, the Prophet (p.) said: "I recommend you that when you intend to do something, you are to think deeply on its result; if it is good, you can do it, and if it is bad, you are to give it up."
The Second: Controlling Anger's Triggers and Results
The second method is controlling what triggers anger and its results. We know that internal anger tries to express itself outwardly. This varies according to the person’s mentality, culture, and environment. Therefore, his reaction might be physically violent. This includes hitting or killing. Or it might be verbally abusive, like cursing. Or he might wreck furniture. Or it might turn into an indirect, polite plan to trap the offender.
Many religious texts touch upon anger through its negative results. For example, it is narrated that Imam Ja’afar As-Sadiq (a.s.) said: "My father used to say that nothing is more severe than anger; a person might get angry and kill someone unlawfully or slander a chaste woman."
Other Hadiths touch upon methods to prevent impulsive reactions to anger. They remind the angry person of Allah’s anger on him when he sins. They promise that withholding anger from people would make Allah withhold His anger from him. The believer who seeks Allah’s satisfaction ought to do his best to withhold his anger. It is narrated that the Prophet (p.) said: "He who withholds his anger, Allah will withhold His punishment from him on the Day of Judgment."
Moreover, it is narrated that Imam Muhammad Al-Baqir (a.s.) said: "It is written in the Torah is what Allah whispered (words) to Moses: ‘Restrain your anger from those over whom I have made you king, I will restrain my anger from you.’" It is also narrated that Imam Ja’afar As-Sadiq (a.s.) said: "Allah revealed to some of his prophets: “O son of Adam, remember Me when you get angry, and I will remember you in My wrath." We can deduce another meaning from this. Remembering Allah when angry prevents one from acting against what pleases Him. Thinking about the consequences and fearing Allah drive man to understand the situation profoundly. This prevents mistakes most of the time.
Other texts pointed to ways that prevent anger from turning into uncontrolled outrage. For example, by seeking refuge from Satan. Or by sitting down if one was standing. Or by lying down if one was sitting. Or by performing Wudu’ or Ghusl with cold water. "And whoever gets angry with his family members, let him approach and gently touch him, for the feeling of family affiliation, when stimulated by touch, induces calmness."
Perhaps the value of these acts lies in taking man out of the ambience of anger. He regains his temper in a new ambience. He can then start thinking of the situation in a new way.
Suppressing Anger
Many religious texts talk about suppressing anger. They consider it a great trait that elevates man’s status before Allah and the people. Allah said, when talking about the traits of the pious: "And those who restrain (their) anger and pardon men; and Allah loves the doers of good (to others)." Surah Al Imran (3:134).
We notice in this verse that it does not only talk about suppressing anger. It also calls on man to forgive and pardon the other. This prevents suppressed anger from turning into a complex. It also calls for doing good to efface any possible trace left.
It is narrated that the Prophet (p.) said: "Whoever suppresses his anger - while being able to execute it - Allah will fill his heart with satisfaction on the Judgment Day," and: "No one drinks a greater dose than the dose of forbearance at the time of anger, and the dose of patience at the time of affliction". Moreover, it is narrated that Imam As-Sadiq (a.s.) said: "Allah will increase the honor of whoever quenches his anger in this world and the Hereafter…"
These texts aim at getting man accustomed to this conduct through its great rewards. Man would practice it first to acquire rewards. He would gradually get used to it. It would then turn into a new element in his character. He would then react spontaneously according to it.
Never Discipline When Angry
It is narrated that the Prophet (p.) prohibited disciplining when one is in a state of anger.
Perhaps the secret is that disciplining aims at straightening deviation. It corrects mistakes and strengthens points of weakness. The one who disciplines ought to be fully aware of his role. He must be in control of his temper so he knows what to do. Disciplining has a delicate balance. Forbearance might be the best means for discipline in some cases. Resorting to violence could turn the entire situation against him.
Some people can be disciplined by words. It is not acceptable to resort to hitting them. That would create an opposite complex. Others can be disciplined by hitting. Words would never hurt them or affect them.
In this light, the disciplining process cannot fulfill its role in cases of anger. Any action might emanate from angry psychological states. The situation might turn into a process of awakening suppressed psychological complexes. These complexes may be from previous, unrelated situations. We witness this lately in many cases. Parents or teachers go home suffering from acute psychological crises. These result from disagreements or failures.