Kindness and Ingratitude
Allah, the Most Exalted, has commanded people to be good to their parents. He has associated obeying and thanking Him with obeying and thanking them. He also made hurting them, even by saying a word like "Ugh," unlawful. Parents are the direct cause of one’s existence. They look after the child with a deep sense of responsibility and sacrifice. They give up their own comfort to ensure their child's life prospers. They bear all kinds of hardship to see happiness in his eyes.
Therefore, being kind to them is a great virtue. It is based on the human virtue of appreciating generosity. Giving generates more giving. Life needs kindness, mercy, and generosity to reach its fullness.
Ingratitude, on the other hand, represents rigidity, cruelty, and selfishness. It impedes the vitality of life and its growth. It hampers humanity's role in producing goodness. It is a major sin that makes the one who commits it deserve Hell.
The Principles of Dealing with Parents
The general principle is stated in the Quran:
"Your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him." Surah al-Isra (17:23)
This means to worship Allah alone and to obey His commands in all matters. It signifies rebellion against all other forces that try to make man succumb to tyrants or his own base desires.
From this principle, all other rules branch out. A Muslim deals with all affairs and relationships from this perspective. He clings to obeying Allah as a practical form of worship. He rebels against disobedience, which is a deviation from monotheism.
The verse continues: "and to parents, good treatment." Surah al-Isra (17:23) This is the first duty one feels after acknowledging Allah's oneness. If Allah is the ultimate cause of existence, parents are the direct cause. If Allah has bestowed life's blessings, parents have made every effort and sacrifice to nurture them.
Allah wants people to be fully aware of this in their relationship with their parents. They should realize the deep secret that maintains these relations: the feelings of love and mercy that give without expecting anything in return. This feeling makes parents bear any pain to ensure their child's happiness.
Thus, Allah commands people to treat their parents kindly through words, gestures, and deeds. This includes a spiritual embrace that makes parents feel the same affection and love they showed their child in infancy.
Growing old affects a parent’s mood. They may become impatient and bad-tempered. This can lead those around them, especially their children, to react negatively. The strong often pressurize the weak. The issue is not that the old person has bad innate traits. It is their situation that leads to negative reactions from their child.
The Quran gives clear guidance: "And do not repel them but say to them a gracious word." Surah al-Isra (17:23) This means one should not even say "Ugh" to them. If this mildest expression of annoyance is forbidden, then any stronger reaction is certainly impermissible. The principle is the unlawfulness of hurting them in any way.
Imam Ja'far As-Sadiq (a.s.) said: “Had Allah known of a word more trivial and insignificant than the word 'Ugh', He would have forbidden it.”
The command continues: "And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy." Surah al-Isra (17:24) This represents total humility and submission in words and actions, born from pity and gratitude. It is as if one should take their parents under their wing, just as a mother bird protects her chicks.
Allah does not want the child to assert dignity over his parents. Instead, He wants a sense of humbleness that comes from mercy and love. This allows one to tolerate from loved ones what he would not accept from others. He learns to forgive them. It is a sublime human spirit open to mercy. This spirit differentiates between feelings of mercy and humiliation. It is grateful to those who showed it love and returns those noble feelings. This ensures the continuous movement of humanity towards generosity.
This feeling of mercy makes one recall his personal history with his parents. He remembers how they wore themselves out for his rest. He remembers how they stayed awake for his sleep. He remembers how they stayed hungry to feed him. He remembers how they sacrificed for his growth. He remembers how they embraced him with kindness and protected him.
All these memories fill his mind and heart. He becomes overwhelmed with kindness as he witnesses their weaknesses. He remembers he was a part of all that. He invokes Allah solemnly: "And say, 'My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.'" Surah al-Isra (17:24)
He asks Allah to forgive them, care for them, and protect them. Allah is capable of doing what he himself cannot do. The mercy of Allah covers both this world and the Hereafter.
Thus, Allah deepens the humanitarian feelings of love, mercy, and kindness towards parents. He makes parents feel their efforts were not in vain and that they have earned a spiritual reward.
Nevertheless, the obedience Islam requires from children is one of goodness, kindness, and charity. It is not the same as the absolute obedience owed to Allah, His Messenger, and the Imams. If parents order their children to do something against their religious or worldly interests, the children are not obliged to obey. Yet, they must still deal with the situation with utmost flexibility and respect.